omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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