so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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