Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
