apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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