if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
