I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Come see our sink grown plant.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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