So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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