So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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