theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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