I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
