When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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