Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
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so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
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we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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