I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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