bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
