I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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