I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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