apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
