I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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