Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
