After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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