Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
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I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
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Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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