i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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