I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
