Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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