hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
