I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
