That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
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I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
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Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished