Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
