why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
