On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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