i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
