i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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