Just mADE A PArabola og urine
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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