I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
