You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
