I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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