got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
