Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
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I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
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Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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