does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
