I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Sorry my hands just texted you
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
