Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
