and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
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Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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