So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
