We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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