Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after