Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Dating After Heartbreak
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...