the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf