There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.