So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
