Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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