im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
