I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
