census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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