A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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