I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.