Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize