I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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